Mario kart

 

Announcer:..Bowser coming up from the

back, right on Peach.

So close he could almost snatch her

away, and then- (chain comp barking)

Oh, there's Mario with a chain chomp!

Blasting between the two on his

Blue Shy Guy:

Red Shy Guy: What did I tell ya?

Green Shy Guy: Always gets the chomp.

Red Shy Guy: What did I tell ya!?

Blue Shy Guy:

Red Shy Guy: He knows the game.

Spends the whole time sittin' in 8th place

'cause he knows

he's gonna bust the right box and grab

the chomp!

Blue Shy Guy: Yeah, yeah...

Green Shy Guy: Just take the money and

shut up!

Red Shy Guy: (sigh) Thinkin' about the

killin' I whould've made a few years ago

on the 150 CC had that guy not screwed

it all up for me.

Blue Shy Guy: That Rainbow Road fiasco?

What, with money riding on Mario in '97?Red Shy Guy: Eh. I knew a guy who knew

things.

???: But he didn't tell you everything.

Blue Shy Guy: Who are you?

(inhale & exhale)

Toad: Doesn't matter.

Just hearin' you talk about how Mario

knows his shit, heh.

Takes me back.

Green Shy Guy: What, you know

something we don't?

(inhale & exhale)

Toad: Y'know, before each race, Mario

would sneak a Birdo into his car,

and while he was idling in 8th place,

he'd have that Birdo give him a road blow.

Blue Shy Guy: (chuckling) A road blow? At

those speeds?

Toad: Couldn't resist the high of it.

You ever gotten a blow from a Birdo?

Feels like you impregnating a black hole.

Like you're just- humping little babies out,

all over a galaxy you'll never visit.Red Shy Guy: That was... descriptive.

Toad: But you wanna know the real truth

of Rainbow Road on February 10th,

1997?

Red Shy Guy: Yeah! Let's see what you

got!

Toad: Just between you and me...

The bastard got glitched.

Blue Shy Guy: Woah.

Red Shy Guy: That's a bold accusation.

Green Shy Guy: How do you know for

Sure?

Toad: Because..

(cars screeching)

I was there.

(cars continue screeching)

I was in the shit.

(more screeching, Toad growling)

I was the shit.

Sometimes I'm able to convince myself

those were the best years of my life.

Other times...

l just wishl could flush them down the

pipe,like a crushed Piranha Plant.

Can't say I had a friend among the bunch.

Can't say anything at all.

Except tel the story how it really was.

It was lap two. I was sitting pretty in 7th

place.

Coming up on Wario.

Couldn't tell you exactly how Wario got

into this party.

But there were rumors he'd done

something horrible to the previous winner

of the preliminary rounds.

A koopa troopa named Sparky.

He threw the shell, Il dodge and drift

behind him.

I've gotta play it safe.

I don't know if he's got a three-pack or

not.

All| know is that his aim is shit.

And he's riding my bumper.

I can see Mario way in the back, biding

his time.

"That bastard is plotting" I thought to

myself.

Then I see it.Shit.

But he doesn't throw them, he plays it

smart.

He shell shields himself.

But I gotta play it smart, too,

or l'm as fucked as Sheik in a North

Carolina bathroom.

Barriers drop away.

Now it's all about precision and speed.

And getting the fatass behind me to

waste his shells

on two relics of the prehistoric era.

I've got bananas.

Shit.

Let's make this shit count.

And now Wario follows.

Wario: You stupid Toad!

Toad: Suck my peel, motherfuckers.

Wario:

Bowser: I stopped being impressive a

long time ago.

Yoshi: We still gotta talk about the shit

you put me through on Yoshi's Island.Because I have the strongest imagination

of anyone I've ever met.

Probably.

(explosion)

l'd say "poor bastard"

but Luigi knew what he was getting into

when he started

fucking Peach while Mario was at the

Olympics.

They boned until they burned the house

down.

Literally.

No one's sure if Mario knew,

But it was the talk of the kingdom for

everyone else.

The Olympics were kind to the guy,

even if some of his new endorsements

were- questionable,

but I couldn't keep thinking about that.

Like the rest of the kingdom,

I was coming up on Princess Peach.You look worried.

Sucks watching your boyfriend get

ass-blasted by a bluey, huh?

Peach: (laughs) I don't know what you

mean, Sweetheart.

Toad: But l guess I'm not being totally

honest here,

because before she was poltergeisting

Luigi and

downing Mario's piranha plant,

she was my girl.

No, we never got farther than her saying

"I only like you as a friend" and

"You're like a brother to me" and

"Do you think Donkey Kong has a big

dick?"

but to me, it was love.

And now, here we are.

Side-by-side on a road above an endless

abyss.

Funny how things turn out, huh?Toad: And then there's this kid.

Gotta be honest, I always liked the guy.

Except for all the times I heard his name,

and also saw him in person,

and every single time he crossed my

mind,

but yeah, good guy.

Luigi: (scream)

Oh my God, l'm sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Toad: Mario?

Luigi: He's had it out for me this whole

prix!

Toad: Is it safe to say he knows?

Luigi: He knows what?

Toad: About you and Peach.

Luigi: There is no evidence that Peach

and I ever did anything.

We made sure it all burned up in the fire.Toad: That's backwards.

Luigi: Oh? D-Don't make regret having to

Toad: Turning it sideways doesn't mean it

still isn't backwards.

Luigi:

Toad: You know what isn't hard?

Luigi: What!?

Toad: Keeping your eyes on the road.

Luigi: Oh? (scream)

Lakitu: You gotta be fucking kidding me

give me a break, people!

Toad: Not sure which sick fuck thought it

was clever